I’ve a parenting question concerning the challenges I have with a solid willed child. The challenge we have is with our 12 year old. When corrected she’ll argue her perspective before bitter end. Our point is never considered and it usually leads to a long drawn out yelling match. In the event that you don?t trust her point of view, she doesn?t feel heard nor understood and then becomes Your reputation24 and will not even listen to our side. We say black, she says white. My parenting question is how do we prevent family yelling matches and resolve issues with control and authority?
Penny ? One Tired Step Mom
Positive Parenting Advice from Family Counselor Kelly Nault on Coping with an Angry Kid
Dear Tired Step Mom,
Being a step mom supplies a host of challenges and I applaud you when planning on taking the time to find a solution to your family stress. The main element to solving conflict with an angry kid like your daughter would be to understand what she would like and give it to her. And what an angry child really wants might just surprise you. Transforming an Angry Kid with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
An angry kid either wants greater control in their life or respect from their parents (and often times both!). The more respect you give your child (especially children approaching the teenage years), the more respect they’ll give you.
Here I have used the word >R.E.S.P.E.C.T as an acronym to provide you with some commonsense parenting tips that can solve the conflict at home quickly.
R Respect YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER ? Always treat your child, as you desire to be treated. This is sometimes easier in theory but necessary to your success. Children model what they see. Even if your child has provoked you, falling into parenting traps such as for example yelling or using harsh punishment only teaches your son or daughter to lash out and disrespect you more.
The simplest way to determine for anyone who is being respectful is to consider: ?Would I take advantage of this tone and say what I’m saying to a friend or acquaintance?? If the answer is ?no? (and you also?re pretty sure they would recycle you for a fresh friend), it?s time and energy to change your tone.
E Expect Respect in Return ? We always treat children how to treat us. When children are disrespectful it is very important respond in a respectful but firm way that let?s them know you won’t be walked over. Say something similar to, ?I can see you are angry right now. I am happy to pay attention to you once you work with a respectful tone with me. Once you change your tone come and obtain me as I actually want to hear what you need to say.? If they remain disrespectful, keep the mouth area shut, walk away and wait for them to come quickly to you in a respectful manner before discussing any more.
S Support Your Child ? Support your son or daughter by having enough faith in their ability to learn from their mistakes. Refrain from ?I told you so? comments and don?t spend a lot of time (if any) pointing out what they did wrong. Once things have calmed down ask them ?How did that work for you?? ?What did you really want?? and ?How will you make it better the next time??
P Positive Attitude ? Remaining positive helps a lot more than we often know to keep the atmosphere inside our home supportive. Do what you should do to keep yourself positive by getting enough sleep (sleep deprivation can change us into a raving Godzilla), do things you love to do and spend quality fun time with each of your children.
E Encourage a cooling off period in heat of the moment ? Continuing a fight while you are angry will never solve a fight. When feeling angry always have a short cooling off period so you don?t escalate the fight and say something you’ll regret later on.
C Create Family Rules for Fighting ? When things are calm, create family rules for fighting and post them in special places around the house (even put one in your wallet and in the car). Include the following: what each family member will do during their cool off period to make themselves feel better, an inspirational oath or prayer that you agree to read out loud after every one has cooled down (before discussing the issue) and specific ways each one of you will listen to each other. To get best results create this document as a family group.
T Train Your Child ? Good parenting means taking the time to show your kids how to do things on their own. Give them more responsibility over time. With a hectic schedule, it can be easier and quicker to accomplish the task for the kids rather than making the effort to teach them how to take action for themselves. Training is what gives our children a chance to develop essential life skills, gain self-confidence, and ultimately feel respected.
How to Ask for an Apology from an Angry Child
Whenever we do another wrong, apologies will be the way to healing. Apologies are precious commodities that are not to be thrown around lightly in conversation, rather than to be wasted during a heated discussion. In times of conflict, we might say something like, ?I expect an apology young lady!? in a tone that means ?NOW!? But in reality this is only a verbal punishment. The time for apologies is when all parties are calmed down enough to provide, hear and feel them.
You can absolutely ask for an apology from you child but also for any apology to work it needs to have flexible terms. A obtain an apology should appear to be this: ?I would like an apology when you are prepared to give it.? This simple statement is honest, clear and respectful. Parents aren?t the only ones deserving of an apology. It is crucial for moms and dads to apologize when they have messed up too.
Your family is fortunate to have you as their step-mom. By remembering your angry child is simply crying out for more understanding and more respect you can solve the conflict which has you so frustrated. Provide them with respect, expect respect in return and watch your son or daughter?s behavior change for the higher.